WANDA:
Hi! Sylvia. How’d you die?

SYLVIA:
I froze to death..

WANDA:
How horrible!

SYLVIA:
It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from
the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?

WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself
in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA:
So, what happened?

WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running
all over the house looking. I ran up into
the attic and searched, and down into the
basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds. I kept this up
until I had looked everywhere, and finally
I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer
—we’d both still be alive.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, “If you were my husband, I’d
poison your tea.”
He said, “If you were my wife, I’d
drink it.”

A member of Parliament to Disraeli:
“Sir, you will either die on the gallows
or of some unspeakable disease.”

“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your
policies or your mistress.”

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” -
Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading
it.” -
Moses Hadas

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved
of it.” – Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..” -
Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend….if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is
one.”  -  Winston Churchill, in response.

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” -
Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” -
Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” -
Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” -
Charles, Count Talleyrand

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?” -  Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever
they go.” – Oscar Wilde

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts…for support rather
than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” -
Groucho Marx

Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding through and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, “Man, that could have been me!”  So, today…bright and early, I went out and got me a job as a truck driver.

What do you think you should do???? Raise the ceilings, or pump out the shit?

Your choice is coming in November 2012

We are making room for some new furniture and are selling our treadmill.  It has done an amazing job of helping Kay get her knee back into shape, but now it is just taking space in our living room.

1.75HP programmable Horizon Fitness Treadmill with 0 to 10% incline and .5 to 10 MPH speed settings.  It operates perfectly and had very light use as a rehabilitation aid for a knee replacement patient.

Asking $500 or best offer.  Motivated to sell.  All serious offers will be considered.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with MillerLite than Kay.

17.  How come teenagers spend all day digitally communicating, but when you ask them what’s new, they say nothing!

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and Hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever..

22. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. People who forward e- mail without deleting the tons of previous recipients should be shot and then tarred and feathered.

25. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies! Quit Laughing!

Testing a caption feature

A beautiful rainy day to wait for the max!

Today is day two of WordCamp Portland 2011.  This year’s event is not as stellar as the last two years, but I am always happy to get around the other WP developers and hear tips and tricks others are using.

This past year, my business (like my waist) has seen a BIG expansion.  OK, my waist hasn’t really expanded, but I love to make fat jokes about myself!

BRIDGES Networking, the business relationships organization I helped start, has added three new clubs this year (Portland, Tigard and Sandy).  Lake Oswego looks like the next destination for this highly effective business networking organization.

Kay and I have faired well this year.  Sales this past summer were three times better than last year and the web-side of our business is dominating the business model.  At this point we are phasing out marketing of tradeshow exhibits.  We’ll keep carrying displays, but only for existing customers.

While the year is not over yet, I am really excited about how business and life is shaping up for the last four months of this year.

Today, ten year’s later, America still stands on guard and while the rainbow colors are missing, we are once again told by authorities of pending doom.  ”Credible Threat” is the term-dejure now, but we all know it means those who hate us continue to want to kill our way of life.  Never mind the idea that we elected a leader that touted his skill to change the views of America in the eyes of our enemies, I never believed a US President could hold much sway over religious loons.

While I do not fear the terrorists, I fear the media is focusing our attention in the wrong direction.  Today’s threat is for New York or D.C.  While I’m sure the terrorists would love to strike durring the memorials taking place this weekend, it is my believe that terrorists are much smarter than we give them credit.

Military leaders throughout history have written of battle strategies and I’m sure these wacko terrorists can read.  Strike your opponent where they don’t expect and you’ll score a moral victory.  Tomorrow, while the peaceful world focuses on the memorials back East, I’ll keep my attention out west.  It is my belief the terrorists are more likely to strike Seattle, Portland, San Francisco or LA.  While I doubt any such attack would not sting as much ten years later, the moral victory for the Islamic Extremists would be big.

Tomorrow we should all memorialize the lives of those Americans who were murdered ten years ago; but we should also keep a watchful eye in our own backyard.

God Bless America!