WANDA:
Hi! Sylvia. How’d you die?

SYLVIA:
I froze to death..

WANDA:
How horrible!

SYLVIA:
It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from
the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?

WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself
in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA:
So, what happened?

WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running
all over the house looking. I ran up into
the attic and searched, and down into the
basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds. I kept this up
until I had looked everywhere, and finally
I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer
—we’d both still be alive.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, “If you were my husband, I’d
poison your tea.”
He said, “If you were my wife, I’d
drink it.”

A member of Parliament to Disraeli:
“Sir, you will either die on the gallows
or of some unspeakable disease.”

“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your
policies or your mistress.”

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” -
Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading
it.” -
Moses Hadas

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved
of it.” – Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..” -
Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend….if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is
one.”  -  Winston Churchill, in response.

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” -
Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” -
Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” -
Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” -
Charles, Count Talleyrand

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?” -  Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever
they go.” – Oscar Wilde

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts…for support rather
than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” -
Groucho Marx

Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding through and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, “Man, that could have been me!”  So, today…bright and early, I went out and got me a job as a truck driver.

What do you think you should do???? Raise the ceilings, or pump out the shit?

Your choice is coming in November 2012

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with MillerLite than Kay.

17.  How come teenagers spend all day digitally communicating, but when you ask them what’s new, they say nothing!

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and Hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever..

22. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. People who forward e- mail without deleting the tons of previous recipients should be shot and then tarred and feathered.

25. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies! Quit Laughing!

A Dog’s Purpose? (from a 6-year-old).

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog’s owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.

I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn’t do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.

As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker ‘s family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.

The little boy seemed to accept Belker’s transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker’s Death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives.

Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, ”I know why.”

Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I’d never heard a more comforting explanation. It has changed the way I try and live…

He said,”People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life — like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?” The Six-year-old continued, ”Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don’t have to stay as long.”

Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.

Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do…

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you’re not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.

ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY!

Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida  …

Not  me — I concentrate on solutions for the problems — it’s a  win-win situation.

• Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
• Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees.
• Put the Florida  alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like  for me to solve today?

Think  about this:

1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

COWS:

Is it  just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept  in the state of Washington?  And, they tracked her calves to their stalls.  But they are unable to locate 11 million  illegal aliens wandering around our country.  Maybe we should  give each of them a cow.

THE  CONSTITUTION:

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq …why  don’t we just give them ours?  It was written by a lot of  really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we’re not  using it anymore.

THE  10 COMMANDMENTS:

The  real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a  courthouse is this — you cannot post ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’,'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ and ‘Thou Shall Not Lie’ in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians, it creates a hostile work  environment.

Multiplication by 11 is easy! To multiply by a 2-digit number add the two digits and place the sum in between!

25 x 11 = 275
31 x 11 = 341
57 x 11 = 627 <– you need to carry the 1!

What about a 3-digit number? Can you figure out what’s going on here?

253 x 11 = 2783
117 x 11 = 1287
532 x 11 = 5852
267 x 11 = 2937

Presentation Suggestions:
Do examples! What you notice is that multiplication by 11 can be done quickly with numbers of any length by starting with the first and last digits (they remain the same, unless there is a carry) and then inserting the sums of adjacent pairs of digits sequentially in between. For example, 253 x 11 begins with a 2 (like 253 does), then the next digit is 2+5=7, the next digit is 5+3=8, and the last digit is 3 (like 253 has). So the product is 2783. Remember to carry if necessary. So 267 x 11 starts with a 2 (like 267 does), the next digit is 2+6=8, the next digit is 6+7=13 (oops! carry the 1 back to the previous digit, leaving a 3 in this place), then the last digit is 7 (just like 267 has). Thus the product is 2937.

The Math Behind the Fact:
Long multiplication reveals why the trick works… you end up adding adjacent digits. Based on this, can you figure out a snappy rule for Multiplication by 111? The reference has more tricks for doing lightning arithmetic.

How to Cite this Page:
Su, Francis E., et al. “Multiplication by 11.” Math Fun Facts. <http://www.math.hmc.edu/funfacts>.

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together..
Al Gore

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Mike Tyson

The great question… Which I have not been able to answer… Is, “What does a woman want?
George Clooney

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Bill Clinton

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
George W. Bush

“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
Rudy Giuliani

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.. It’s called marriage.”
Michael Jordan

“I’ve had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” The third gave me more children!
Donald Trump

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
Shaquille O’Neal

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
Kobe Bryant

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
David Hasselhoff

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Alec Baldwin

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Barack Obama

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Tommy Lee

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ” Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
Brad Pitt

First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
Jimmy Kimmel

“Honey, what happened to ‘ladies first’?” Husband replies, “That’s the reason why the world’s a mess today, because a lady went first!”
David Letterman

“First there’s the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring….soon after….comes Suffer…ing!
Jay Leno